Let's talk about death and dying - Buzz - Bournemouth University

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It?s considered a conversation killer, but does bringing up the subject of death mean that we don?t want to talk about it? Gemma Mullin investigates how attitudes are changing?

Talking about death is often considered a taboo matter. Research has found that two-thirds of people in the UK feel uncomfortable bracing the issue. This could be down to our British stiff upper lip or perhaps it is just ignorance. Either way it?s clear that death is not often the hot topic at the dinner table. With opinions shifting in other areas of society, could that be simultaneous with matters surrounding death and dying?

The Dying Matters Coalition was set up in 2009 to help raise awareness about the importance of talking more openly about death. Joe Leveson from the Coalition says that we need to be having these conversations in order for us to get exactly what we want when we come to die.

?As a society we need to talk more openly about dying, and in particular our wishes. We know that many people don?t get the kind of care they want, where they want it, when they need it at the end of their lives and often that?s because they haven?t felt able to talk to those close to them or with doctors and other health professionals about what they want.?

He says the problem is that we are too scared to speak about the issue and this is for a number of reasons:

?Most of us are very focused on living and quite rightly so. A downside to that is that many of us are very reluctant to talk about dying. We think that by talking about it, it makes it more likely to happen and we find it depressing. It?s something outside our control and so if we talk about it we can get frustrated. However, we also know that by not talking about it doesn?t make it go away.?

We think that by talking about death makes it more likely to happen ? Dying Matters.

Senior Accredited Psychotherapist and Counsellor at the University of Liverpool, Dr Andrew Reeves says death is a societally defined fear. ?Not all societies and cultures have the same response to death as the predominant UK culture and in this country different cultural groups will see death differently. Fear of death is often embedded in a cultural perspective of what happens after death, for example, heaven, hell or purgatory. We are fearful of not knowing.

?Talking of death also reminds us of our own mortality and vulnerability. We live in a society that values strength, success, vitality and health, and scorns vulnerability and illness,? said Dr Reeves. In spite of previous research a new survey this week found that 98% of us are happy to talk about death. So are times changing? Jon Underwood is pioneering the notion of Death Caf?s in the UK. These are somewhere people can come to talk about death, drink tea and eat cake in a relaxed and safe environment. He was the first to host one in the UK in November 2011 and they?ve been springing up all over the globe since.

Jon has noticed a significant change in the number of people expressing the need to open up about death. ?When I first explained this idea to my family, my step-father-in-law said ?the problem is Jon people just don?t want to talk about death?. My experience to date shows me that he?s not entirely right. ?We?ve had about 50 death cafes in six countries and it?s continuing to spread. Everyday I?m getting emails from people who want to start their own death caf? so it is becoming more and more prevalent.?

It?s not just one generation or age group making their way to these events though. Death Caf? facilitators have seen a diverse range of people from the old to the young, right through to an LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender community) caf?.

However, it is still a relatively small network of people that attend these events. Jon argues that the media is to blame for the stigma that surrounds conversation about death. ?It brings up strong reactions in people so generally death is not spoken about comfortably by our society. We?re fed a lot of perverse stuff by the media. If you look at the news for example the portrayal of death is always the extremely horrific type of death ? war death or atrocity kind of death like the school shootings that happened recently. Then the deaths that we absorb through television and movies is really unrealistic, so that also stops us getting in contact with the emotional reality of death.? Alice Powell, 19, from Dorset, has learned to come to terms with speaking about her bereavement. In 2011 her dad, Tim, died of a heart attack aged just 46. She says that speaking about her loss with others has helped her grieve.

Speaking about my memories of my dad is what keeps me going.

Alice Powell with her dad Tim who died in 2011.

?At first I didn?t want to talk. I?m quite a quiet person anyway so I?d keep everything bottled up inside me and rather talk about other things than what had happened.

?But now over a year on, we?ve just had our second Christmas without him and as time goes by I?ve found it easier to talk about Dad when he was alive and all the great things he did and the memories I have of him. That?s what keeps me going and speaking about those to other people makes me proud of him and has helped me deal with it better,? she said.

However, not everyone thinks we should be talking about death. A few respondents to the survey felt uncomfortable discussing it, stating that it?s a personal and upsetting topic. ?Death is still a very sensitive issue here in the UK and especially with someone who knows they are likely to die very soon it can be very uncomfortable to talk to them about. It can also be hard talking to older family members about death because you are close to them,? said one respondent.

We may be more at ease with talking about death but are you aware of its importance for our wellbeing? Dr Reeves says it?s significant to helping us deal with death.

?While we should not become preoccupied with death, integrating it into our experience can help us be more psychologically healthy in that can remove existential anxiety and help us address many shared concerns about living, values, valuing and how we relate to others and our world.?

If you want to join in the discussion you can get involved on Twitter using the hashtag #letstalkaboutdeath.

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Source: http://buzz.bournemouth.ac.uk/lets-talk-about-death-feature/

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